I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
