One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
