how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Randomize
