jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Pants are for mortals
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize