SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
