a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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