I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Randomize
