all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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