i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
