part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
