I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize