I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
