There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
