On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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