I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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