If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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