I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
foreskin is a definite game changer
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
