suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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