i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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