hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
