I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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