I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
