Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
