The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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