im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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