Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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