Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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