Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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