Will you blow on my dice?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
