Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize