Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
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