the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
