does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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