he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
