sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
