smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I can tuck mytits in my pants
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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