that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
