Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
