You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
