Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
