Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
