my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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