I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
he told me I talked like a deaf person
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
