Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
