I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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