I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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