Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
