I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Operation Purity has been aborted
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
