i don't want you to think of me as your TA
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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