I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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