So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize