you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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