So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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