Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
