Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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