He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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