You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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