I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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