Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
