yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
