I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
