I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
