if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
i think we sleep fucked last night...
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
