Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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