my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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