I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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