so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
