Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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