So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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