come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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