I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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